Sunday, July 13, 2008

Lonely Winter

Thanksgiving moved on to Christmas and the dead of winter. Guru and many of the local disciples were away on winter break, not to return until mid-January 1988. And the inner flame had not yet returned.

I wasn't alarmed. All seekers could be expected to go through a dry spell, right? I was lonely, though. Without Guru and many of my friends around I suddenly found myself with lots of time on my hands in the evenings after work. It was then that something quite unexpected happened.

Now, as any devoted fan of the hit series Seinfeld will tell you, hardly a day passes when I cannot make some reference to one of that show's episodes in reference to the everyday happenings of my life. For that reason, I try to keep such references to a minimum. For one thing, such references date me -- the show has been in syndication for 10 years. For another thing, I'm sure non-fans get tired of such references.

In this case, however, I cannot resist. One night, while lying in bed in early 1988, "it" moved.

Jerry: Really?

George: I think it moved.

Jerry: Moved?

George: It may have moved, I don't

Jerry: I'm sure it didn't move.

George: It moved! It was imperceptible but I
felt it.

Jerry: Maybe it just wanted to change
positions? You know, shift to the otherside.

George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've
shifted, this was a move.

(From the episode The Note.)

In George Costanza's case, the causal factor was receiving a seemingly benign massage from a man. In my case, however, it wasn't clear to me at the time why -- seemingly out of the blue -- sexual desire welled up from within me. With time, though, the reason became clear and is pretty straightforward.

The retreat or disappearance of the occult movement which had dominated my psyche for the past six years had left a vacuum in its wake. After a short slack tide, the life force -- with sexual desire leading the charge -- filled that vacuum.

This new movement, such as it was, was nothing more -- just a feeling not to be acted upon. I was still "master of my domain."

Photo credit goes to johnivara on Flickr.

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